The Loss/ Blighted Ovum

So I guess it's about time I get this post out. I've been putting it off for awhile and don't know if this will be therapeutic or not but figure might as well get it out.

On November 29th I thought I was a bit over 7 weeks pregnant and started having brown bleeding. I went to the hospital as per my OBGYN's recommendation and found out I was miscarrying and had an empty sac with no fetal pole etc. This is known as a chemical pregnancy or blighted ovum in which the baby never develops and it does suck.
That's the short story but here's a little more detailed version.

Hubby was at school finishing a group project and I had to call him to come home and watch the kids. After calling my doctors' office and speaking to a nurse and being told to go get checked out I called my mom and asked if she could come help take care of the kids so hubby could maybe go back to the school. When hubby got home I headed to the hospital.

It's interesting how a mother's strength kicks in when she needs to. Having had no bleeding with C or J's pregnancies I knew something was wrong and having to go to the hospital alone I built up a wall of sorts about the situation to protect myself from breaking down. I drove safely and slowly and told the doctors when I arrived that I had two children at home so would like to avoid bringing any bugs home. With the H1N1 epidemic I had to wear a mask and I got special permission to wait outside till I was seen to avoid exposing myself. Let me say as scary as I imagine an ER is in general it is so much more with this stupid flu. I continued having some brown blood when I used the restroom. After a long long wait I had bloodwork, and a reverse catheter to fill up my bladder for an ultrasound (that added a new level of awful to the whole experience). Before the ultrasound I was told my HCG levels were low so I was once again confirmed something was wrong. This pregnancy was not planned and from the start I felt something was off about it. I felt detached, my symptoms fluctuated more, and I took way too many tests yet still didn't believe I was expecting. I did take more than one test with C and J as well but this was more than normal and I really didn't believe it. I had nightmares the whole time while prior pregnancies I had amazing dreams of healthy babies. I also was very cautious about relations with hubby while feeling so off so knew my dates weren't off. I talked with the nurse and female sonographer about my two amazing kids at home and though I knew something was wrong I also knew I would have other opportunities in the future. The nurse had a daughter about C's age and the sonographer was a sweetheart saying how most women go through a loss and it should heal well etc. though it definitely sucked and she said it looked like a chemical pregnancy. The male doctor who finally showed up a lot later said I might be earlier that expected but the sac was empty currently and it was likely I might be miscarrying. He was kind of annoyingly positive despite me telling him I knew my dates. I was polite but told him outright that I'd rather be prepared for the worst and get a pleasant surprise than have false hope. I got to go home several hours later. My mom was there but hubby didn't head back to school. My mom headed home later. I cried some but was surprised by my strength most of the time. The kids are an amazing distraction and the best antidepressants in the world but when they went to bed it was a lot tougher.

The following week the bleeding increased and everything passed and stopped by 2 weeks later. I had my birthday a few days later and that day I was supposed to have my first appt. needless to say I cancelled that and met with my OB a different day. I did pretty well with the loss overall I think and the fact that there was never a baby helps me somewhat versus if there had been. My birthday was probably the toughest day and hearing from my MIL that she'd planned to take me Baby shopping didn't really help. I hadn't told that many people I was expecting but though I was really cautious with C and J not telling anyone till after 12 weeks and some till not after 20 weeks I thought despite my ominous feelings this time around that it might be safer to share early on but unfortunately I was wrong. I heard lots of stories of others' losses but having had a blighted ovum where there was no actual baby some stories made me feel more that my loss was supposed to be less painful. I know people didn't mean this this way necessarily but it still hurt. I really found some support and understanding in a best friend who went through this a few years ago. It made me feel that all I was feeling was normal and that my loss was still real to me. I didn't know there wasn't a baby for several weeks and despite all my worries and the offness of it all it I still hoped, I still was making plans and dreams. And the loss still hurt alot.

Since all of this I have healed alot and having my two amazing children here to give lots of hugs and my supportive family and friend (only a few people know) have helped alot. Christmas went pretty well and as hormones decreased I felt generally better. I've been reading loss sites with helpful tips to healing etc. I wouldn't have been able to read this the first couple weeks but now they're more helpful. This did make hubby and I realize we may want to add to our family sooner than planned and we're still discussing that so not sure on when the next little one will be but there will be more children in our family. I haven't had as bad a reaction to other people being pregnant as I expected however hearing from people who are due around the same time I would've been hurts a bit too much for me to deal with still. I hold nothing against these people and they don't know I had a loss they're just in the natural joy and innocent view of those who haven't had a loss. I've read this is completely normal and will just take time. As a miscarriage survivor you lose a little bit of the naivete and innocence of those who haven't or don't know the have had a loss. I like the thought that women who go through this are survivors and how much strength women have.

I went to the doctor recently and everything looked normal and he said I healed wonderfully and it was great how my body passed it all so early on and naturally. I am currently pms-ing which he confirmed and Aunt Flo should be arriving soon. This is kind of an ending step to this experience though it will still hurt from time to time this will signify to me one more bit of closure and return to somewhat normalcy. The doctor said if we do decide to conceive after this we will be fine and this has little chance of ever occurring again in general along with the fact I had two healthy pregnancies prior improving my odds. I don't know when the next little one will be along but whenever will be a blessing and I know God is watching over my family.

This still hurts and I hope no other woman has to go through this but it is amazing to hear how many women do go through some sort of loss and how strong women and mothers in particular truly are. I wish I hadn't gone through this but am glad I had the support of several strong women in my life. I am still not very good talking about this so if someone I know reads this who I haven't mentioned it to or my mom hasn't I may not be ready to talk about it honestly but in time I think that I will heal more and more and will be able to open up more. I know that I've already healed alot by even being able to write this.

I'll try and put a more positive post soon after this maybe with Christmas pics! I'm trying to keep positive despite the pain and I know that I have so much to be thankful for and so many reasons to be happy that this will keep getting easier. Thanks for letting me share.