A Long Week

So the last few days have felt like they've taken forever but I'm still in shock it's already almost Thursday. The main reason for this feeling is me being sick. Just a general cold/winter crud I think but pretty miserable. My throat has felt so rough and I wake up stuffy and can't seem to get a good night's sleep with all this on. I'm thinking our thermostat being up more recently probably hasn't been helping the dry feeling in my nose and throat. Then today when I woke up my ear was aching too which I think is connected to the congestion as well. I've also had some nausea due to my throat being so damn sore and if I don't eat I just feel sicker but am afraid it will hurt to eat, overall fun times argh. Anyway there's my whine about that lol.

Luckily this seems to be on me only and I'm very glad the kids aren't sick. My little ones have both hit a growth spurt and MIL and I have been discussing a shopping trip soon but I need to go through alot of clothing and put alot of stuff in storage in the meantime. C is tall for her age but skinny so it's hard to find clothing that's long enough but not falling off her. For example her best fitting pants are still 18 months and 24/2t ones fall off but the 18 months length are more like capris. Boys clothes seem to all fit alot easier and for alot longer though J is getting too tall for some stuff as well. It's seems from 12-24 months sizes alot of the tops change from button onesies to regular shirts so J seems to have gotten too tall for most of the 18 month onesies already. My little ones are getting so big, I can't help but get a little teary when looking at all the little outfits which they could wear just a few months ago. I'm guessing this will be a general feeling every year when I have to put away the outgrown stuff.

Not too much else going on besides the general daily routines. Hope everyone else is staying well and having a good week and the weekend is here soon :)

Weekly Update

Sorry I haven't had that much to post this last week but honestly it's been pretty boring around here, well to the extent that nothing really out of the ordinary has happened.

We're pretty much back to our pre-Christmas Break routine though car trouble this week has kept us cooped in a bit more than I'd like. Our car has been having issues with the cold starter due to the weather we believe. Hubby's folks claim the issue is the battery so they bought us a new battery but right after getting the battery the car seemed to be acting normal again so we have the other battery in the car as backup. We are planning to get the car a general tune up and checked out next week and won't be going on any long trips for a bit I guess. Hubby's folks gave us a TomTom for Christmas (we've played with there's before for a few trips) and I can't wait to use it in Atlanta for some random new destination. Hubby and I are usually pretty good about directions but we've had a couple crazy explorations of the city while spending 3 hours looking for a specific restaurant so hopefully this gps will be the end of those lol.

The kids are doing well and growing and learning so fast. C is getting her 3 year molars in so she has complained about that a few times but overall all is going well and the teeth will just take time. From everyone I've spoke with it seems that the molars usually take longer versus the front teeth so not sure when they'll actually be fully in, hopefully they won't bother her too much longer though. J is talking more every day and knows his ABCs now (reciting wise and a few recognized) and I got a cute vid of it. I'm such a proud Mommy :) though sad how quick my babies are getting big lol. My mom still says how it feels like I was C's size yesterday and how she misses that so I'm guessing the time flying feeling of parenthood never goes away, though I definitely look forward to all the new stages coming up.

I feel so old recently though I'm only 24, I think it's because most of my parent friends are 3+ years older than me at least and the folks my age here seem to be out clubbing etc. I don't miss the club scene or lack of responsibility but I think parenthood has definitely added a maturity that the single folks my age still have a few years to catch up on lol. Maybe I just need a vacation to make me feel more youthful lol. Anyway we're off to visit the Mother-in-law for a few hours (maybe hubby and I can get away for a quick dinner date tonight but if not should be fun to catch up with MIL either way). Hope everyone's having a good weekend!

Back to School

Sorry I haven't been back to update recently but this has been a pretty busy week for us. Hubby has started a new semester at GT and we've been juggling schedule changes all week. Tech is pretty good about giving overrides for overfilled classes but this term they decided to give the overrides for the same time as other classes hubby was signed up for so his schedule was in a sorta limbo until today when the advisors finally has an official non-overlapping schedule. So if hubby goes straight through his current required classes he should be done with his Engineering major in July, however he also has the opportunity to do a Computer Science Minor which would add 1 more semester and/or an Internship which would also add a semester so right now with either of those we'd be out of GT and out of Atlanta hopefully by December '10 or May/June '11. As much as I'm ready to get out of here (honestly I was ready to be out the city and this apartment awhile ago) I also see how horrid the job market is right now and how every extra accomplishment and experience is an asset so we'll see what the future holds.

If we do end up being here till next Spring though we'll probably rent a bigger place, our current apartment is nice but we are running out of room as the kids are getting bigger. Also I'd like to be in a more suburban part of town if possible. We would buy a place if we knew Daddy would be working in the city when we got out but with the Real Estate Market being kinda up in the air too we'd rather not risk being tied to here.

Anyway in other stuff, it's warmed up a tiny bit weather wise and I hope it will be getting warmer and folks will be out of the Winter blues period soon. Everyone seems to be fighting congestion, colds, and other various bugs weekly. Thus far the kids are good but I've had a couple days I knew I was fighting things off and mother-in-law and a couple of the playgroup kids have been going through stuff. The kids and I all miss playgroup but haven't had time or health stuff has gotten in the way the last few weeks so I'm really ready for the cold weather and colds to go away from everyone lol. Hopefully we'll be getting together more again soon.

Not too much exciting going on otherwise right now. Being busy helps as a distraction from being depressed but even when I'm not busy I feel alot happier these days, I'm hoping this feeling stays around. I really want to be able to go to the gym more and run outside soon (when it warms up). I really want to work out some of the pent up energy I've got from being stuck inside from the cold I think that will make me feel better in general too. I'm not sure all this year holds but thus far despite stress at times I'm feeling it will be really good overall. :)

The Loss/ Blighted Ovum

So I guess it's about time I get this post out. I've been putting it off for awhile and don't know if this will be therapeutic or not but figure might as well get it out.

On November 29th I thought I was a bit over 7 weeks pregnant and started having brown bleeding. I went to the hospital as per my OBGYN's recommendation and found out I was miscarrying and had an empty sac with no fetal pole etc. This is known as a chemical pregnancy or blighted ovum in which the baby never develops and it does suck.
That's the short story but here's a little more detailed version.

Hubby was at school finishing a group project and I had to call him to come home and watch the kids. After calling my doctors' office and speaking to a nurse and being told to go get checked out I called my mom and asked if she could come help take care of the kids so hubby could maybe go back to the school. When hubby got home I headed to the hospital.

It's interesting how a mother's strength kicks in when she needs to. Having had no bleeding with C or J's pregnancies I knew something was wrong and having to go to the hospital alone I built up a wall of sorts about the situation to protect myself from breaking down. I drove safely and slowly and told the doctors when I arrived that I had two children at home so would like to avoid bringing any bugs home. With the H1N1 epidemic I had to wear a mask and I got special permission to wait outside till I was seen to avoid exposing myself. Let me say as scary as I imagine an ER is in general it is so much more with this stupid flu. I continued having some brown blood when I used the restroom. After a long long wait I had bloodwork, and a reverse catheter to fill up my bladder for an ultrasound (that added a new level of awful to the whole experience). Before the ultrasound I was told my HCG levels were low so I was once again confirmed something was wrong. This pregnancy was not planned and from the start I felt something was off about it. I felt detached, my symptoms fluctuated more, and I took way too many tests yet still didn't believe I was expecting. I did take more than one test with C and J as well but this was more than normal and I really didn't believe it. I had nightmares the whole time while prior pregnancies I had amazing dreams of healthy babies. I also was very cautious about relations with hubby while feeling so off so knew my dates weren't off. I talked with the nurse and female sonographer about my two amazing kids at home and though I knew something was wrong I also knew I would have other opportunities in the future. The nurse had a daughter about C's age and the sonographer was a sweetheart saying how most women go through a loss and it should heal well etc. though it definitely sucked and she said it looked like a chemical pregnancy. The male doctor who finally showed up a lot later said I might be earlier that expected but the sac was empty currently and it was likely I might be miscarrying. He was kind of annoyingly positive despite me telling him I knew my dates. I was polite but told him outright that I'd rather be prepared for the worst and get a pleasant surprise than have false hope. I got to go home several hours later. My mom was there but hubby didn't head back to school. My mom headed home later. I cried some but was surprised by my strength most of the time. The kids are an amazing distraction and the best antidepressants in the world but when they went to bed it was a lot tougher.

The following week the bleeding increased and everything passed and stopped by 2 weeks later. I had my birthday a few days later and that day I was supposed to have my first appt. needless to say I cancelled that and met with my OB a different day. I did pretty well with the loss overall I think and the fact that there was never a baby helps me somewhat versus if there had been. My birthday was probably the toughest day and hearing from my MIL that she'd planned to take me Baby shopping didn't really help. I hadn't told that many people I was expecting but though I was really cautious with C and J not telling anyone till after 12 weeks and some till not after 20 weeks I thought despite my ominous feelings this time around that it might be safer to share early on but unfortunately I was wrong. I heard lots of stories of others' losses but having had a blighted ovum where there was no actual baby some stories made me feel more that my loss was supposed to be less painful. I know people didn't mean this this way necessarily but it still hurt. I really found some support and understanding in a best friend who went through this a few years ago. It made me feel that all I was feeling was normal and that my loss was still real to me. I didn't know there wasn't a baby for several weeks and despite all my worries and the offness of it all it I still hoped, I still was making plans and dreams. And the loss still hurt alot.

Since all of this I have healed alot and having my two amazing children here to give lots of hugs and my supportive family and friend (only a few people know) have helped alot. Christmas went pretty well and as hormones decreased I felt generally better. I've been reading loss sites with helpful tips to healing etc. I wouldn't have been able to read this the first couple weeks but now they're more helpful. This did make hubby and I realize we may want to add to our family sooner than planned and we're still discussing that so not sure on when the next little one will be but there will be more children in our family. I haven't had as bad a reaction to other people being pregnant as I expected however hearing from people who are due around the same time I would've been hurts a bit too much for me to deal with still. I hold nothing against these people and they don't know I had a loss they're just in the natural joy and innocent view of those who haven't had a loss. I've read this is completely normal and will just take time. As a miscarriage survivor you lose a little bit of the naivete and innocence of those who haven't or don't know the have had a loss. I like the thought that women who go through this are survivors and how much strength women have.

I went to the doctor recently and everything looked normal and he said I healed wonderfully and it was great how my body passed it all so early on and naturally. I am currently pms-ing which he confirmed and Aunt Flo should be arriving soon. This is kind of an ending step to this experience though it will still hurt from time to time this will signify to me one more bit of closure and return to somewhat normalcy. The doctor said if we do decide to conceive after this we will be fine and this has little chance of ever occurring again in general along with the fact I had two healthy pregnancies prior improving my odds. I don't know when the next little one will be along but whenever will be a blessing and I know God is watching over my family.

This still hurts and I hope no other woman has to go through this but it is amazing to hear how many women do go through some sort of loss and how strong women and mothers in particular truly are. I wish I hadn't gone through this but am glad I had the support of several strong women in my life. I am still not very good talking about this so if someone I know reads this who I haven't mentioned it to or my mom hasn't I may not be ready to talk about it honestly but in time I think that I will heal more and more and will be able to open up more. I know that I've already healed alot by even being able to write this.

I'll try and put a more positive post soon after this maybe with Christmas pics! I'm trying to keep positive despite the pain and I know that I have so much to be thankful for and so many reasons to be happy that this will keep getting easier. Thanks for letting me share.